Nick Zamonis (zuh-MOE-niss)

ML2L.com

2011-12-28T04:14:00.000-08:00

I've moved my thoughts to my site ml2l.com. I like blogger, but the lack of control over a lot drives me a bit insane, so I've moved. Come visit!

A Whiteboard Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

I think all great people have a white board or chalk board on their wall at their house. I think every house should have one. It's one of the most useable things in a household of thinkers. Putting your ideas out there. Getting the idea up in front of everyone for critique and collaboration. I hope this blog is an extension of my whiteboard.

I'm continuing this blog with the idea that it is for me and my thoughts, but one thing that I've decided to do for my benefit and that of the readers, is to edit. I am going to be more specific on my labels, and cut and paste ideas into other posts if they don't work in the one that I am writing. Of course this will be done after I'm done writing, but hopefully it will make my content more searchable for me, and more organized, so you can read it without getting lost. Of course that may mean several posts within a few minutes of each other, since I will be sort of writing them simultaneously.

My book The Princeton Companion to Mathematics has been incredibly interesting. I'm learning a lot every day. It's super slow reading, but the readability is good. If you are interested in mathematics in any way I'd recommend it. It explains all the major concepts and studies in mathematics in a useable way. Not simply a definition but several short essays on each subject, that allow you to understand concepts in a real way. Of course it's opening of Bertrand Russel's definition of pure mathematics was pretty scary. I'm happy to say that that has been the hardest things to read, and Bertrand Russel has not written this book. Definitely watch the video of him though for some amazing insight.

Watched the Tim Ferris video by the Foundation today too. Very interesting. Gives me a whole different perspective of Tim Ferris. I think I'll be reading his books with a different voice. 3 of the books that he said were important to him with regard to writing, I put on my amazon wish list.

On Writing Well by William Knolton Zinsser
Simple & Direct by Jacques Barzun
Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott

I'll most likely buy these as books since I expect I'll be underlining a lot and making a lot of notes. I may get them digitally, but we'll see. I don't remember when I realized I should always read with a pen, but I highly recommend it. Of course digitally, referencing notes is much easier, but I find reading notes within the context of what I've just read makes much more sense.

Tim Ferris also has a video on TED talks. Worth checking out.

Just a sucker, with no self esteem.

2011-12-21T22:26:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why a beat dog doesn't just run away. They eat cat shit for christ sake, surely they could survive some pretty dire times. There are too many things in flux right now, and my need to ground things has me needy, and forcing issues that need not be forced. Really what I should do is just sit back, relax, and enjoy the mystery of this floating. Instead I'm coming unraveled. I'm sea sick. I'm anxious. I'm unsure. I have no control over the things that are most stressful to me. The people that I hoped would understand don't, and just add to the anxiety, and pain. Not unexpectedly mind you.

I am pretty disappointed in myself, and my inability to cope. It's times like these that being single takes it's toll. That lack of close family, and the support that comes with that, or the close friends. It's times like these that I dumbly decide to make life changing decisions in order to take control of something. Maybe it's my lack of faith. It definitely has something to do with it. It's my inability to see the good in people as easy. I struggle. Then in my effort to get a handle on something I get hurt. I have almost no patience. I easily see all the damning insecurities, and weaknesses in others, but I choose not to go after them, because I've done that before and it usually leads to regret. So then I'm left just being hurt instead. And then because I've exposed the sensitive underbelly in my struggle the result is a lack of respect, and a dismissal.

I've heard it all. The excuses. The reasoning. I've studied this shit, and I try to ignore the things I know, because I like to fake naivety to myself, for no real reason but to hurt myself I guess. Since that is the inevitable result.

To quote Trent Reznor, Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything. What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end.

What's difficult?

2011-12-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

What makes anyone significant to anyone else. Tonight I'm angry. It's that deep violent anger right in the pit of my stomach. The kind of anger that makes me want to hurt something, or destroy something beautiful. The kind that likes company. That wants everyone else to know what it feels like. That tears at your very core. The kind of nerve that can only be played by someone you let play it. A breaking of a trust. You know how you get rid of it though. The way is to not give a shit about anyone or anything. Say fuck it all. Fuck everyone. That's the easiest way to get rid of it. Just build your wall. sink deep into it, and share it with no one. And that's what I want to do right now. It's good in some ways. It's motivating. It's focusing as to what is truly important. Who is truly important? What is truly important?

Speaking of important. I think it's important to surround yourself with people that inspire you to push your limits. If everyone is coming to you, you need to find different people.

I'm giving up on this pursuit of women thing, and despite the sure to come, "you know how I know you're gay," comments -- that's not it. I just seem to spend entirely too much time thinking, focusing on, and hoping for, only to be repeatedly disappointed. I think the last little bit of hope is finally disappearing. Which is usually what it takes to truly move on from something. So the cynic I hoped not to become...

In other news my studying of mathematics is going amazing. I love Audible.com by the way. I am powering through books. 3x speed is a little faster than I actually read in my head, so I can actually read more that way then I could if I sat down to read. Love it. I just got an affiliate thing with them, since I figured I'm recommending them to everyone, I should try to get credit. So click on it, and check it out. It's the cheapest way to listen to books on "tape" and a huge amount of the books are unabridged, and the narrators read it better than I could, with unique voices for characters etc. Probably something similar to early radio.

I was thinking about human error. We sort of always consider everything from our perspective, or at least try to make it so everything can be seen from our perspective. It's kind of what I like about this thing going on at CERN. Maybe this neutrino is moving faster than light, is it not crazy to think even how we figure that out? Like to calculate something like that, you know how big the correction factors must be. Like how would you even detect that fast enough. Even if you are using light as the means to communicate. There is still a "baton pass" that would have to be made. Ridiculous. Like if you're moving faster than the speed of light, would it look like anything? By the time your eyes took in the light and tried to process it it'd be gone. Or would it get really bright because light may be approaching in all directions. So some of it you're in a head on collision with. And as things travel close to the speed of light they have mass, so would it hurt?

Well I've decided to focus on mathematics. I think there is this human tendency to avoid the things you are good at and be interested in the things you aren't. And focus on that. It's the grass is greener adage, or you always want what you can't have, that coupled with a fear of choosing the wrong thing keeps many people from ever doing anything. Well I've decided math is it. We'll see what happens. I'm excited by the idea. And feel like I'm old enough to know now. Ironically it was the same plan on head when I started at Auburn. Where could I be today? No where else really. You're life is shaped by the exact choices you make based on the limited information you have. Many times driven by emotion.

Goodnight.

Einstein rocked at math as a student!

2011-12-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

Just started the Einstein biography, and found out that, contrary to popular belief, Einstein did ridiculously well in math as a child. He never failed it at all. In fact he was doing theorem proofs at 12 on his own.

I love this idea of math as another language. He said that it's the language of nature. Couldn't think of a more beautiful language to master. I mean I'd probably put italian a close second, and there's something about a sexy woman speaking french that's a little bit ridiculous, but I don't really give a shit what she's saying, so I won't learn it.

In other news, I finally finished atlas shrugged. It' amazing, eye opening, and life altering. I'd recommend it to anyone, who has 64 hours to read a book.

Now I'm starting the two biographies I have by Walter Isaacson - Einstein, and Steve Jobs. I already love both of them. It's like picking the greatest brains of our century. So damn interesting to me. What they think about things, find interesting, and what drove them. One thing I think I am learning is to really just embrace your gifts and don't apologize for them. No one is good at everything, and you just don't apologize for who you are ever. Just be you, and let everyone get in line. If you try to be anyone else, you're doomed to come short. But be the best you, is definitely the most important thing. The best you may suck at math, or socializing, or relationships, but own it, love it, and don't sit there wanting what you don't have.

I think I've done that my whole life. There is a point to process improvement I think. Or personal improvement, I mean. But I'm not quite sure that should ever be the sole focus. Or maybe it should be the focus. I don't know. It seems like you take what you love doing, or are naturally really gifted at, and develop that to an astronomical level. It's the idea of specializing I guess. You can't be everything.

In other ways the diversity is what I'm so intrigued by. I love everything. So I don't like to know a lot about just one thing, unless it's convenient. I like to know a little about everything. Not sure what one is better. Probably neither is better in any real way. I guess it depends on how you define the goal or success.

Never work for an organization that drives you to want to produce less than your capacity. Or maybe if your work keeps you from being the best, you need to find a hobby that you can top off your creativity and passion with... every day.

Back to studying people who matter. That's overstating. I'm sure in someway we all do, even if it's just to emphasize the gap between great and garbage.

Was gonna sleep

2011-12-14T00:18:00.000-08:00

And then I did.

Elizabeth and Higgs Boson

2011-12-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

Scientists May Be Closing in on the Higgs Boson Particle

I was thinking about the making a new Sun, and apparently there was an article recently on how the human race survives our Sun going out in Discover Magazine.

I guess I was considering something I randomly said about the Sun going out. Seems that it would make sense to study math, cosmology, and philosophy. Philosophy is the only class that has ever really made my head throb with concentration. I can't help but think that, that's a good thing. A good brain sweat. if you will. I used to want to focus on social entrepreneurship, but after reading Atlas Shrugged, I think I've changed my mind on that. Instead I think I want to focus on something even bigger.

Of course, just watching the video today on Techspot for MIT's Light Camera I realized how much I hate labs. I'd rather just sit around and do math, and push my brain outside the bounds of thought. Like I do when I read about the stuff, and write. So I wonder how many labs are involved in cosmology.

I hate dreams that tease me. I hate when I have a dream that is so vivid, and is the world that I wish I was in, and then I wake up to find out it was all just a dream. It's like my mind likes to mess with me. How ridiculous! Maybe that's just my mind's way of convincing me to sleep more. Smart mind, it's totally working.

I think tactics are much more fun then strategy to most people or at least more in your face and distracting. I think the key is constantly checking your tactics over the overall strategy, but I think it's easy to fall in love with movement, and just forget about where you are headed.

I hate politics. I've hated them for a while, but I really hate them today. I just feel like we live in a country that gives the illusion of choice by allowing us to vote, but really we get two options. Both idiots, mind you. And speaking of tactics, the focus is always on the two. Two choices aren't really doing much in the way of options. And what's up with the republican nominees? Dig up names from the past, and try again. That's the best we could do, huh? In one of the richest, most amazing places in the world, that's the best we can do?!?! Come on!!! Just so frustrating. I don't even care about it. I just hate how passionate people are over their party's ideals. You're like a bunch of Jersey Shore fanatics. That's how I see it. It's so disappointing to me, like seeing that the majority of people out of 2 million can't figure out the answer to 5+5+5-5+5+5-5+5x0 is. The majority of people get this wrong. It was up to 1.1 million. What does that say about the world we live in? It's not like we are working with calculus, differential equations, linear algebra, or any other more advanced mathematics. It's not even long division.

Maybe, you grammar heavy people hate how I write. Well fix me! Bash me in the comments. So in an effort to help, the answer is 15. You have to consider the order of operations. So the 5x0 at the end is the first thing you do. There, I helped. That doesn't mean I think you now know enough that I think you should vote. Just that you're less of an idiot then 5 seconds ago.

It's hard not to think other people are going to read this.

I was thinking about people who are mentally damaged. The serial killer, murdering types, or the suicidal types. Obviously something is wrong with some of these people. Makes me wonder what happened to them. You know something pretty horrific had to happen to them as children, but you don't forgive them for it, do you? Do you ever? How close to a child do they have to be for you to forgive them?

fit2fat2fit.com is pretty inspiring. I like using the word fat as a noun. I got the idea from anchor man, when he refers to gay people as a gay. I started saying fats. I realize though, that when I say the word fat, I never picture people that I know that are fat. They I think of them, as them. I only think it's funny about people I don't know. But then I find I have no patience for people I don't know, but plenty for my friends. Maybe that makes sense. But I also noticed in reviewing some notes that I made a couple years ago in one of my journal books, that fat people wear their addiction, and many times it's the result of trauma or something that helped them to get that way in the first place.

I almost died a few times. What does that even mean? Like if i missed dying by a week did I almost die? Or is it like in the hospital heart stopping kind of stuff. I don't know.

I miss a lot of people, and coffee shop hang outs. Bryan Stowe what are you doing, man?

I hate facebook, but I can't give it up. I mean I could, and have for a little while, but I like you people.

I'm going to go focus on my real estate adventures now, and find some more inspiring quotes, and things. If you get bored check out my other sites. ml2l.tumbrl.com, essenest.tumblr.com. There's more but that's all i want to say for now.

I'm gonna write that bitch a list. Bitches love lists.

2011-12-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

1. Relationships

This has to be one of my favorite things to think and talk about. Every one of them seems to be such a huge deal to every one that it's fascinating to me. It's the chess metaphor. Relationships create more possible outcomes because there are more players, more resources, more results, more interesting.

2. Philosophy

My second most fun thing to talk about. I use this to pretty much describe all the things I think about. I just read the definition and I think it fits. I'm a philosopher. Ask a child if they're an artist. They'll mostly say yes. I'm a philosopher.

3. Travel

I love to travel. Although I don't know that I talk about it much except to reference the infamous Thailand Ping Pong show in jokes.

4. Money

Such a huge part of what is on everyone's mind. I don't know how much people really think about it as much as they just desire it. Probably worth thinking about. If you desire something do you study it? Or do you study something else and then see what happens?

5. Culture

I love the arts, and museums, and anything that is created. I love traditions of culture, and diversity. I don't know what exactly I think about when I say Culture. I think it's the prejudice that everyone seems to have about their heritage and subjective ideals. I like that.

6. Life

Life in all it's simply complicated crazy awesomeness. It's kind of like philosophy, but more personal.

7. Who gives a shit?

After spinning myself up on some topic and getting really worked up, I realize someday the sun is going to go out.

8. None of it matters.

Which leads directly to the idea that none of it matters... Unless of course I can create another Sun. Or figure out a way to travel fast enough to move from this solar system while keeping my age, health, and charm.

Greater People

2011-12-11T15:59:00.001-08:00

Subscriptions vs. Subscribed

I was thinking about who I was subscribed to on Facebook. What I'm not sure about is who Mark Zuckerberg is subscribed to. He only has 36 subscriptions. Which I guess is enough. How much can you really read in a day.
I read somewhere that we in the US worship our celebrities that entertain us - singers, actresses, etc. In places like Japan, I've read that they worship celebrities that create stuff - engineers, computer science geeks, etc. I don't know what that says about our society vs. Japan's society. I just find it interesting what we as a country find important.
I've always thought that if you want to be successful in a way similar to someone else, you need to do what they do. Of course, it's impossible to do exactly what they do. You're not them. There must be some sort of reduction that can be done to weed out all the stuff and just do the very specific things they do. For instance, if I subscribe to the same 36 people that Mark Zuckerberg subscribes to, will I have some greater insight into things? What about his education, was that it? His friends? How do I get his friends? Do I listen to the music he listens to? Listen, Tony Robbins, I think your idea of not reinventing the wheel has some holes.
Action always has a lot to do with it, but the right action. Maybe not just any action. I bet quite a few great people are watching football right now, so I'm going to be more like them and go do that. What I think I really need to do is find a way to get 10,000,000 people to subscribe to my Facebook page. Do you think that's the key to success or should I really focus on inventing something like Facebook?
Who gives a shit? I just wanted to use that again. It's sort of the theme. But I mean it in a George Carlin kind of way.
Do you worry about the results or only the product, knowing the results will come. Clearly the answer is clearly the answer.

I dont know Lawrence - you Google zuckerberg zamonis, and Google says you're the result. Well done! I don't know what that means, but it seems pretty awesome. Google is pretty smart.

What I find dangerous about this ability to take screen shots of windows is what if don't notice something I don't want in the screen.

I think going into the national guard makes sense. It seems to be a prerequisite for becoming a politician. I don't think I know anyone in the national guard. I don't think that I want to be a politician. So if you don't want to be a politician, you shouldn't go into the national guard.

I'm hungry.

Scatterbrained

2011-12-10T19:12:00.001-08:00

I love the anxiety coffee gives me.
My thought drivers right now from what I'm reading right now.

Fasting

2011-12-10T14:00:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about my needs. It really is a constant struggle to to not be sucked in by temptation. I think music and books are my biggest addiction. I justify both because they're both awesome! I want to know everything that I want to know. And books are the way to ask, and then listen to what everyone has to say. I wonder if that's why I can't stop talking when I'm around other people. I spend so much time listening to other people tell me about stuff, and by listen I mean reading, that then I have to talk everyone's head off about it.
Of course not too many people have the same thoughts, tastes, or random books on their shelves. I wonder what my book shelf says about me. Probably that I like everything, hate everything, and have no idea about anything. That was for you guys I think. I am trying to write without considering an audience. Basically the way I write to myself all the time. Just thought it'd be fun to write it in this format, and see what happens. I find that it's hard not to think about people reading what I'm writing. To be fully exposed to the judgements of my core ideas and beliefs.
I guess deep down there is a need to be accepted, and to project a certain image. I obviously like myself. My about me says I'm awesome! Ultimately though I want to project a lack of judgement. I try to see the beauty in things. That's the challenge I think. But I think the insult of arrogance is really the insult of narcissism. It isn't true about me though. I find all you people entertaining, and I'm pretty sure that's what God put you here for. Well not necessarily to entertain me, but to entertain him, and I am just excited to know that and also notice. Which is why it's important to laugh at yourself, since it's the most amount of comedy you're going to be around throughout your life.
I hate victims. I hate people who complain about how hard things are. I hate them. That's maybe too much. Well I hate people from the United States that say that. I was walking with a bag of dog food the other day. Weighed 30 pounds or so. And it was pretty heavy to carry for the mile or so that I carried it. And I thought of all those women carrying baskets on their heads. I thought it might look funny to put the dog food bag on my head, so I didn't, but I couldn't help but thing of how crazy strong their necks must be. Then I thought of what I was wearing on my feet, and how comfortable my shoes were, and the evenness of the sidewalk that I was walking on. I stopped by El Diablo Coffee shop and grabbed coffee on the way back. Because I could. You need to notice these things. I'm proud of myself that I think these things while I walk to and from the store.
Makes me wonder what am I doing with all the gifts I have. Then I will talk to someone that complains about their cell phone coverage. Oh wait, that's me that does that. Or the traffic... me again. Or the size of the diamond they should have for their next engagement. Well at least that one's not me. I do notice the hypocrite in me. Anyway, when I hear it, it reminds me of how ridiculous I am. How vain, and prideful I am.
But then you justify. It's easy to justify. I'm not saying give all your money to charity. I don't believe in that really either. I more just don't want to let all these gifts squander. I don't want to end life and think that all I did was what everyone else does. All I did was sit back and enjoy the ride, never taking advantage of the potential that is all around me.
That's probably why I still get bummed out when I think about Steve Jobs not being alive. He was someone who took advantage of his advantage. He did it. I want to be someone who does it too.
What else do you do?
Most of us have the potential to be great at anything, and maybe the time to pick 2 things. But mostly we pick no thing. We sync up to the cycle of life, and slide through. Hardly ever noticed by the majority.
Who gives a shit?
Maybe that should be the name for my ramblings. What I think it always seems to boil down to is that none of it really matters. In the end. None of it really mattered. For what? Consider the infinite, and it all just sort of collapses. So enjoy the moment.
Set up the situation to create the most joyful moments. All that you have. And maybe a frontal lobotomy is the answer.

Money

2011-12-10T08:00:00.001-08:00

What if you look at money like Ayn Rand and truly consider it the mark of success. What if the attainment of wealth was how your worth as an individual was calculated? I think if I just start thinking of money and my net worth as the measure of success vs. society constant pressure to make the opposite true, my goals will be clearer. That paradigm shift may be all that I need.
Does asking a question in writing but ending it with a period vice a question mark make it rhetorical.

When the sun

2011-12-09T23:50:00.001-08:00

Makes you feel enlightened.

Love Conquers All

2011-12-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

Love is one of those misunderstood emotions. Love does conquer all. Good, bad, indifferent. It takes no prisoners. Can be the most powerful emotion for good and bad. I think all other emotions are really derivatives of the emotion of love. Love of self, someone, things. That's just what I am thinking right now. With every failed relationship I start to wonder why I bother. Maybe alone is how I am supposed to be. Although after several meditations about the thing, I felt like all living things form some sort of group. Not any real loners in any species out there, and if they end up that way they don't last very long. Seems clear to me that that is the way of things. But the idea of forever of course could be the flaw. Although I love that idea.
What does, "don't settle mean?" Why does anyone tell me that. Is it possible not to settle. I like the idea of life is movement, and I like the idea of not being able to find someone who can keep up. But like all things life is full of contradictions. It's a contradiction to me, because I also like the idea of having someone that is a permanent fixture in their own way.
Who gives a shit?
Oh well... and life continues its forward progression whether I'm sitting here waiting or running to get ahead of it. I hate the clock. I think I'm going to get rid of the clock. I hate knowing what time it is. Wouldn't it be such a great thing to just give into my body's requests? I think every time I feel tired I should just take a nap, until I wake up. Of course, now that I think about it that's sort of always the problem. That lack of discipline, isn't it? If I gave into all of my body's desires I'd be less happy I think. or less proud.
Started thinking more about God. And God is Love. Because I like that Love Conquers All things... Like God conquers all things. I like that. I love that even. But I think that somehow God is this energy. And I use energy because I can't picture energy. I can only see the result of having it. But not it. And it makes me feel huge when I think that way. Which makes me more appreciate God. Seems dumb to worship. I think you need to expand into it, but people are so stupid. I think Jesus is just the need for people to be able to focus. It's too hard to focus on everything. It's much easier to focus on one thing. When God says don't put an image to me. We were like... Well Jesus showed up. now we can use that image and worship that. I don't know. I think the answer is in there somewhere, but it's woven into the fabric pretty tightly, so it's hard to see. And seeing is the last way that you are to know God. I think you feel it. It's energy. It's a primal connection to the things.
Only people who truly earn their money can appreciate the value of it. If you do not hire a person based on their best ability because of fear that the person could be your greatest competitor, you need to do something else. The greatness of one person has nothing to do with the value of the next. It's not a bar, or standard. Then what does it mean don't settle? I don't even care really. I just don't know what that means as to why I am here, and if I can't understand why I am here, I don't know what I am to do with any piece of time in my life. Maybe I am to sit and write, and that is all. Ramble about ideas.
I wonder what everyone else is thinking of right now. Where their mind is? How deeply they contemplate life and what they are doing. Doing this is definitely a Burdon. How unfortunate of a name... Funny how a spelling mistake would make you learn something about a city in England.
Only if you took the time to look it up. I think that your tenacity needs to exceed your incompetence in order to be successful. If your laziness exceeds your level of incompetence, I think you are normal. But if you want to be abnormal. Why would you want to be abnormal? I think there is something in not being a lemming. I think there is something about being an individual. But not so much of an individual that you don't have any friends. Or your friends just dress in Goth like clothing. Not that kind of individual. But sometimes when you recognize your an individual on your own island it can be just as lonely because I know I am different. So despite being able to fake connections and relate on many levels. There is a very core feeling that never quite latches on.
I think my relationship middle game needs work. I seem to love comparing everything to chess. I think it's a great metaphor. Mostly because of how beautiful it all is, and simple, but you add 64 squares and 16 unique pieces and the possibilities seem endless. And in life you have an infinite amount of squares but control over only one piece. Hmmm. I guess that's a horrible metaphor. Of course that piece is the Queen. And the only piece the Queen can't be like is the knight. Is it any wonder why I hate to sleep. I wonder how many chess games are simultaneously played in life. Lots of roles to consider. Some games I'm more passionate about. Some games seem easier than others, and some you want to use your instinct for. Like the chess games with my son. My end goal is for him to feel loved, always. I don't want to read about child psychology or development. I want to just love him, and support him as he interacts with his little huge world. Feels ridiculous to understand that, and for some reason I hold him above the study of those things. I feel like it objectifies him if I study him like a lab animal. Feels like learning as much as I can about life, and then loving him in the most positive way I can is the best way. Lot of things to worry about though. Like what if my view of the world is messed up.
It's probably safe to say that my view of the world is messed up. But I like my view, and I want him to have the same view in half the time. I'm so damn proud of how awesome that kid is, and I want to take all the credit.
I think that's enough for right now. There are some things that are just for the privacy of my mind. Not that I could ever write the images in my mind clear enough for you in the world to see them. But I plagiarize a lot of them from pictures that I've taken of the world. Some digitally some mentally.